Monday, December 5, 2011
Dave Barry's Holiday Gift Guide
From the Dave Barry Newsletter (via the Miami Herald): "The holiday season is a time of traditions. Here in America, the most popular holiday tradition, observed by millions, is to celebrate the birth of Jesus by going to a Walmart at 4 a.m. on the day after Thanksgiving and getting into fistfights over steeply discounted TV sets." For the whole story click HERE!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Death is Good for Social Security
It's a good thing people die, or our Social Security system would be broke. Luckily they all do die, although unfortunately more and more of them are living longer. Used to be they'd retire at 62, sit around reading the paper for a year or two and then die, leaving lots of dollars in the system. Now, they think they have a right to live into their 80s, play golf, go fishing, start a small business or worse yet, go back to work and get a paycheck as well as their Social Security check.
Then there's those who are almost dead, but refuse to go. The numbers of people collecting Social Security Disability are growing almost as fast as those getting prescriptions for medical marijuana.
And then the government makes it worse, by requiring pictures of smokers on cigarette packs -- faces caved in, all wrinkley and saggy, holes in their necks, etc. So if they keep on discouraging smoking, people are just going to live longer, making the financial situation even worse. This anti-smoking deal really has backfired in my opinion. When I was a kid, all the adults and most of the kids smoked, and every year a few would start coughing up nasty stuff into a handkerchief and then they'd disappear with a little notice in the paper.
And then the government, in its infinite wisdom, starts going after fat people. We used to make fun of them in school, but that wasn't to make them lose weight, it was to make them feel bad, which is a whole different thing entirely. So now restaurants have to say how many calories each menu item has, so the eater can eat less, lose weight, feel better, start exercising -- you see where this is going -- and add years to their lives and suck millions more dollars out of the Social Security fund.
It seems to me that the government is fighting itself on this one. Keep people safe on one hand, and worry about Social Security going broke on the other. Clean air, clean water, no pesticides, no smoking, seat belts, air bags, helmets, drivers have to be sober and be old enough to see over the dashboard to drive, etc.
So my idea to solve this problem is upside down insurance. The longer you live, the more you have to pay the government. Pretty soon you got no money and you're eating Chinese dog food with melamine in it, kidneys give out, problem solved. Or you could allow electric wheelchairs onto the interstates.
Then there's those who are almost dead, but refuse to go. The numbers of people collecting Social Security Disability are growing almost as fast as those getting prescriptions for medical marijuana.
And then the government makes it worse, by requiring pictures of smokers on cigarette packs -- faces caved in, all wrinkley and saggy, holes in their necks, etc. So if they keep on discouraging smoking, people are just going to live longer, making the financial situation even worse. This anti-smoking deal really has backfired in my opinion. When I was a kid, all the adults and most of the kids smoked, and every year a few would start coughing up nasty stuff into a handkerchief and then they'd disappear with a little notice in the paper.
And then the government, in its infinite wisdom, starts going after fat people. We used to make fun of them in school, but that wasn't to make them lose weight, it was to make them feel bad, which is a whole different thing entirely. So now restaurants have to say how many calories each menu item has, so the eater can eat less, lose weight, feel better, start exercising -- you see where this is going -- and add years to their lives and suck millions more dollars out of the Social Security fund.
It seems to me that the government is fighting itself on this one. Keep people safe on one hand, and worry about Social Security going broke on the other. Clean air, clean water, no pesticides, no smoking, seat belts, air bags, helmets, drivers have to be sober and be old enough to see over the dashboard to drive, etc.
So my idea to solve this problem is upside down insurance. The longer you live, the more you have to pay the government. Pretty soon you got no money and you're eating Chinese dog food with melamine in it, kidneys give out, problem solved. Or you could allow electric wheelchairs onto the interstates.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Exerpt from the latest story: Billy Bob Meets Abe Lincoln
I thought I'd change the subject, so I told him he was pretty famous, that he was carved into Mount Rushmore in South Dakota along with Washington and Jefferson. I had a picture in my shirt pocket of me and my wife standin in front of Mt. Rushmore when we was there on the Harley for Sturgis. Why I had that particular picture in my shirt I don't know, but in the dream it all seemed OK. I showed it to him and he recognized me right away. I told him I wanted to get the Harley into the picture, but the guard said no, I couldn't ride it up the steps.
An Idea
I was gettin a bit sluggish this winter, and so decided maybe I could write a cookbook lose weight and make some money all at the same time.
The best way it seemed to me, was just do the opposite of normal. So I decided to only eat stuff that didn't taste good. No ice cream, pizza, steaks, coffee with sugar, etc. So I got a bunch of them little diet TV dinners that stink when you microwave em. Makes writin the cookbook easy too. Doesn't matter what you write in it, because it's suppose to taste bad. Pictures should look good though, to get their hopes up and get them to buy it. They get it home, try it out and everybody wins! They lose weight cause the food tastes bad, I make money cause they bought it, and if I make the book thick with lots of extra pages, they'll need to cut a lot of trees down to make it, so maybe some unemployed loggers go back to work.
And then I had me a second idea. What if I put salt on ice cream so's it wouldn't taste good? Or mustard on pie. I tried it out with a big bowl of vanilla, and it tasted so bad I threw it out. Sometimes when you drive up a new road, you take a wrong turn.
Now ordinarily when I come up with a good idea like this I'd have a cigar and a beer to celebrate. But a fake electrical cigarette and an alcohol-free beer don't really sound like a celebration, so I had me a mint flavored toothpick instead. Tasted kind of good, so I poked myself with it when I was done to even things out.
The best way it seemed to me, was just do the opposite of normal. So I decided to only eat stuff that didn't taste good. No ice cream, pizza, steaks, coffee with sugar, etc. So I got a bunch of them little diet TV dinners that stink when you microwave em. Makes writin the cookbook easy too. Doesn't matter what you write in it, because it's suppose to taste bad. Pictures should look good though, to get their hopes up and get them to buy it. They get it home, try it out and everybody wins! They lose weight cause the food tastes bad, I make money cause they bought it, and if I make the book thick with lots of extra pages, they'll need to cut a lot of trees down to make it, so maybe some unemployed loggers go back to work.
And then I had me a second idea. What if I put salt on ice cream so's it wouldn't taste good? Or mustard on pie. I tried it out with a big bowl of vanilla, and it tasted so bad I threw it out. Sometimes when you drive up a new road, you take a wrong turn.
Now ordinarily when I come up with a good idea like this I'd have a cigar and a beer to celebrate. But a fake electrical cigarette and an alcohol-free beer don't really sound like a celebration, so I had me a mint flavored toothpick instead. Tasted kind of good, so I poked myself with it when I was done to even things out.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Excerpt from my new book...
Leon's a cat skinner, and one day he's building fire trail, driving his Cat along this steep grade, and somebody falls a tree right on top of him. A limb nearly took his head off. We cut him out of the cab with a torch, the doctors sewed his head back on, gave him one of them voice vibrators so he could talk, and he cracked up the kids by smoking cigarettes through the hole in his neck. You gotta admire a guy like that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)